My friend told me how lonely and left out she felt amongst her group of friends. She told me she started pulling herself away from her cliques and started walking home alone. She told me how it felt sad to walk alone, to eat alone, to be alone.
It was a mindset, people have these days. To be alone is being sad.
It was a night like this, cool and blessed, that we walked back to our dorms together and she started to story-tell about the complexity of loneliness.
In a way, I understand how she felt. I was grow up in that way. That one year in high school, I was totally alone, but I didn't acknowledge it. Because I hoped for lunch hour, where I meet my friend. But, it didn't last long as the year gone by. She just disappeared.
Skip to my foundation year, I was alone again. My best friend got accepted to a different matriculation university. Isn't it just me or my classmates just find cliques so easily? I thought I was a friend to one of them, but it turns out, she was oblivious to that fact.
It was hard being alone. There were many times that I felt like I don't want to go to class. There were many times that I cried. There were many times that I wished for a friend.
But, this loneliness, it made me strong. It made me independent.
She told me being lonely doesn't mean we are sad. Loneliness were based on circumstance. People don't accept us. People intentionally left us out from the group. We were different from the general population. many factors played here.
The hard part of being lonely was us thinking about what we don't have. We don't have friends. We don't have people to accompany us to eat lunch. We don't have people that we can talk and laugh and be ourselves.
And the hardest part? We don't have someone who will listen in rapt attention about our own problems.
But, it doesn't have to be this way.
People say look at the bright side and tonight, for some reason, I agree with it. It's not about looking what you are missing, but really, when you are lonely, it IS pretty obvious of the black hole in our lives. But, to me, it is to see what we have and what we gain.
I see strength in ourselves. Independence is growing inside, cultivated by the force of loneliness.
To me, as the months of staying in university added, I grow to accept the fact that I am alone. I do stuff alone. I eat lunch and dinner alone. I do my own business without feeling like I need someone beside me.
Except the grocery part. I need someone to accompany me to go to Tesco for safety purposes.
I felt grateful for this loneliness. It made me strong. It made me independent. Allah has better plans for us and I trust Him he knows what's best for me and my friend.
The only dangerous thing of being lonely is your own thoughts. Negative thoughts can consume you whole. If you can't stand it, it doesn't mean you are weak. You have to take the initiative to find someone.
And always ask for His help.
And the professional's too.
Swiftly Estel-ing
P.s. It's like 1.15 in the morning when I am writing this. I felt like this isn't one of my greatest writing pieces and I am sorry for that. There's a reason why sleep is important.
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