A week before 24th March, a guy that I had known last semester confessed to me.
A week after, we broke up.
The week itself had been so hectic. With 24th March coming to close, everybody was busy to prepare the biggest event that I had ever participated in. With me trying to cope with the numerous homework and the not-so-understanding people and the nightly meetings and the adrenaline rush of saving people, he was seemingly the light that I wanted to hold on too.
He seemed to care to ask about me. He seemed to like me for who I am. He seemed to want to do everything for me. He made me smile when I felt like I want to breakdown. He made me hopeful at the end of stressful everyday. He made me feel like I am matter, worthwhile to be with.
But, I was wrong.
I was foolish.
He had been talking bad behind my back. He was complaining to his friend how annoying I am, how clingy. He was making a joke out of this little heart that I have. He was making fun of me.
I didn't even want him in the first place.
I just wanted a friend who cares enough to ask about me every day.
It wasn't just his betrayal to me that hurts. It hurts because I lost someone that I thought I could depend on. He was someone that I wanted this whole life. Someone where I could say anything without transparency, without fearing that I hurt him in the process, without fearing that I made someone jealous of me. Without fearing that I sounded too bitchy, without fearing of people thinking of me that I am weak because I can't face my own problems.
All I want is someone to just listen to me when I want to talk without me fearing of their own judgement.
And he offered all of that.
It hurts. The way I found it out. There was this rage inside of me. How dare he! To play a woman's heart is a dangerous gamble. I wanted to lash out at him. Punch him and kick him and skin him alive and hang him.
And most of it all, I want to ask why? Why did he do it? Was it really that fun to see a someone's heart broken?
It took me days to forgive. I wasn't battling with him anymore in the end. I was battling with my own demons that snared me with its acid words.
Worthless.
Nobody like you.
Weak.
Nothing.
Nobody.
And in all of that war inside my head, I stayed silent among my friends. I told what had happened, but I didn't tell the aftermath. I told them I am okay. I told them I didn't cry when I found out. I told them I was holding up fine. I was still smiling, I was still laughing with them.
Because they had their own problems to deal with. Because they won't understand. Because they stopped me mid-sentence and advice me something. Because I don't want to burden them with something so silly as 'thoughts'.
I didn't tell them the whole procession had add to already one thousands reasons why I am worthless.
I turned back to Allah. I asked for His forgiveness. I asked for His guidance. That one week that I had been with him I was praying a bit late than usual. I had sinned before. He was trying to show me something.
And Allah taught me something.
Forgiveness. I forgive what he did to me. I don't know what had happen in his life, his history. But, I know he has a heart that's just lost. May Allah show him the way.
Be Merciful.
I get it now. It dawned to me as I write this. I get it why I am still thinking about this whole thing that had happen. Why I was still thinking about him.
He wasn't the only person to forgive.
I need to forgive myself too.
A week after, we broke up.
The week itself had been so hectic. With 24th March coming to close, everybody was busy to prepare the biggest event that I had ever participated in. With me trying to cope with the numerous homework and the not-so-understanding people and the nightly meetings and the adrenaline rush of saving people, he was seemingly the light that I wanted to hold on too.
He seemed to care to ask about me. He seemed to like me for who I am. He seemed to want to do everything for me. He made me smile when I felt like I want to breakdown. He made me hopeful at the end of stressful everyday. He made me feel like I am matter, worthwhile to be with.
But, I was wrong.
I was foolish.
He had been talking bad behind my back. He was complaining to his friend how annoying I am, how clingy. He was making a joke out of this little heart that I have. He was making fun of me.
I didn't even want him in the first place.
I just wanted a friend who cares enough to ask about me every day.
It wasn't just his betrayal to me that hurts. It hurts because I lost someone that I thought I could depend on. He was someone that I wanted this whole life. Someone where I could say anything without transparency, without fearing that I hurt him in the process, without fearing that I made someone jealous of me. Without fearing that I sounded too bitchy, without fearing of people thinking of me that I am weak because I can't face my own problems.
All I want is someone to just listen to me when I want to talk without me fearing of their own judgement.
And he offered all of that.
It hurts. The way I found it out. There was this rage inside of me. How dare he! To play a woman's heart is a dangerous gamble. I wanted to lash out at him. Punch him and kick him and skin him alive and hang him.
And most of it all, I want to ask why? Why did he do it? Was it really that fun to see a someone's heart broken?
It took me days to forgive. I wasn't battling with him anymore in the end. I was battling with my own demons that snared me with its acid words.
Worthless.
Nobody like you.
Weak.
Nothing.
Nobody.
And in all of that war inside my head, I stayed silent among my friends. I told what had happened, but I didn't tell the aftermath. I told them I am okay. I told them I didn't cry when I found out. I told them I was holding up fine. I was still smiling, I was still laughing with them.
Because they had their own problems to deal with. Because they won't understand. Because they stopped me mid-sentence and advice me something. Because I don't want to burden them with something so silly as 'thoughts'.
I didn't tell them the whole procession had add to already one thousands reasons why I am worthless.
I turned back to Allah. I asked for His forgiveness. I asked for His guidance. That one week that I had been with him I was praying a bit late than usual. I had sinned before. He was trying to show me something.
And Allah taught me something.
Justice, Kindness, Forgiveness, MercyWhere does this all values gone in this world that we live in? I know he hadn't been kind. I know he had been playing with me all this time. But, Allah is the Most Merciful to all of His beings and why can't we be one at a slightest mistake?
Forgiveness. I forgive what he did to me. I don't know what had happen in his life, his history. But, I know he has a heart that's just lost. May Allah show him the way.
Be Merciful.
I get it now. It dawned to me as I write this. I get it why I am still thinking about this whole thing that had happen. Why I was still thinking about him.
He wasn't the only person to forgive.
I need to forgive myself too.
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