My biggest fear in a relationship is that I am not there for someone when they needed me the most. But, I never thought that my own closest friends won't do the same to me.
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| One day, I will wake this shore, either alone or with someone that I trust. |
All I want is my closest friends to come and support me.
All I want is my best friends to say more than just "I'm sorry."
All I want is my friends to come and be worried all over me.
But, I shouldn't have expected them that way. Each and every person had their own way to deal with people.
I am just so tired with silent texts especially from the people that I share and trust the most. I am just so tired that my first instinct was to do everything for them; I will call them in the middle of the night to make sure they are okay, I listen to their teary-eyed stories and I carefully up-to-date to their daily routine.
I am tired because I am doing these things to others and people don't do it back to me.
I am tired of people who take advantage of my sensitivity towards others.
Am I really an attention-seeker? Am I really that selfish?
Am I really blind?
I don't hope much. But, Ya Allah, it hurts me to see my own closest friends are not the one who are consoling me right now. The fact that their names are the ones I said in the doa so frequently are the same names that are not appearing in WhatsApp saying more than "I'm sorry."
Yet, I still care. They are the ones first in my heart after my family.
Am I really not that important to them? Or were they just so surprised to see me at my lowest point that they pulled away, afraid?
Ya Allah. Ya Allah. Ya Allah. Give me strength. Every single day, I wake up with a hope that I will be happier, motivated but it dashed so frequently minutes after I opened my eyes.
You're weak. Who are you anyway?
Who wants you?
Who cares about you?
I feel like I am going crazy inside my head. I was fighting with my own destructive self. I woke up, trying to suppress these thoughts inside my head, trying to right the wrong. Trying to make it stop.
It's tiring.
But, there's no one there who are willing to help me.
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