My life will always be a swirl of ups and downs especially at its critical point.
I just wanted to say that this week had been something...well, I don't want to say worst because there are probably other worst weeks to come.
As much I have learned a lot and I tried to be stronger each and every day.
My family faced another death on Sunday last week around 10 at night. I just got back from a group discussion when I got a call from my cousin, sharing me the news. My aunt, who had been fighting cancer since December last year, had come back to Rahmatullah. -Al-Fatihah.
The night and the following day was somber. I went back to Kampung and with the emptiness of my grandmother's presence, it felt a bit more downcast every moment. I was exhausted due to lack of sleep but I was out of sorts seeing my aunt covered in white cloth, watching her children crying and her husband lost and trying so hard to keep it all in.
I finally broke down when I called my mother back at my university. I felt extremely tired but there was this hole inside my heart. And I understand why it was there. I just miss my family so much. I went through the whole funeral processing without my parents. I am reminded of the distance of my family and I as my uncle hold my hand, as my cousin hugged her father, as my aunt's mother kissed her goodbye.
I cried. I couldn't take it anymore.
The next day, I was quiet. I was depressed. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to meet my classmates. But, I tried to dress prettily, just to exude something happy. I wasn't happy but I still say I am okay.
And I grew frustrated at every moment because the people around me are not doing what I expected them to be.
It was a mistake to expect anyone to do anything for you.
But, this thing, it had grew inside of me. I was full of longing, of wanting, people to do what I would have done for them. Because I was just so tired to be the martyr. I am so tired to be that oh-so positive girl, the one that always smile.
I knew I had been faking so much that it kills me already.
But, I kept in my silence and it grew worse.
I don't know what I wanted. I was so confused with myself. I wanted people's support but I am pushing them away. I wanted to be happy but I woke up feeling dejected.
What do I want really? An attention? Space?
My best friend got mad at me. I guess she's right. I wasn't being fair to the people around me. I am such a hypocrite. Why do I kept asking people to be happy and positive when I couldn't do it for myself?
What do I really want in my life?
I am so lost.
Ya Allah, help me.
After my counselling session, I wrote a series of WhatsApp status, explaining what had happened. And people just poured out there support. Had I been really that blind to see the people around me? Or I just don't trust them with my own feelings that I always kept inside?
It's not like people push me away when I say my problems, so why I feel so hesitant to talk about them? Am I that afraid to cry? Am I too bound to that title 'that positive, happy-go-lucky" girl? Am I too afraid of change?
I saw myself, looking out at a distance. I saw only bleak, black dark space, with thousands of eyes watching me. But, at a horizon, I saw trees and flowers and greenery. A place where I longed to be. I place where I could be confident of my own skin, my own feelings, my own self.
Don't I have a self-worth, my dear self? How much do I really hate myself? Am I ungrateful for what I have, for what I am? How long am I going to questioned my identity? How long will I be a coward of accepting myself?
Every day is a struggle of acceptance. Every day it's an effort to be happy of my own self. I knew I didn't need people's acceptance. I only needed my own.
There are people around me that are willing to listen to me. But, it was my own fault that I didn't accept their offer.
I always thought to myself that I wanted something more out of this life I am living in. And that something more is a confidence, the acceptance, of my own identity. To not feeling like shit when I looked at the mirror, at my grades, at anything. To not feeling like I wasn't worth it to live. To not feeling like I want to bury myself six feet underground. To not feeling like I do everything wrong for others and to myself.
These are my thoughts. My own thoughts. To share is a courage. To write it down is a relief to me.
I have to constantly remind myself that I am more than this. But, it's always a struggle. Always a struggle.
But, I have Him. And let this struggle be as sincere as it can be for Allah SWT.
It will always be hard. But, people have it harder. And it doesn't mean I am weak if Allah test me this way and not other harder ways. Allah loves me the way I am, He created the best of me and I will use to best of me for Him ultimately and also for myself.
I will not give up. I have more life to live.
I have strength inside myself.
I might be dead inside, but I will revive myself back.
If I don't have a life inside of me, how will I be an advocate for all the problems of the world?
For the people I love?
Let me, help me be an advocate to myself, Ya Allah.
And help me stop expecting others for something they can't do.
Help me accept myself and the people around me.
Help me stop being so frustrated with the world that I live in.
Help me be better.
Help me be more grateful.
Help me be strong, confident.
Ultimately, help me always find Your blessings, Ya Allah.
I will never give up.
I just wanted to say that this week had been something...well, I don't want to say worst because there are probably other worst weeks to come.
As much I have learned a lot and I tried to be stronger each and every day.
My family faced another death on Sunday last week around 10 at night. I just got back from a group discussion when I got a call from my cousin, sharing me the news. My aunt, who had been fighting cancer since December last year, had come back to Rahmatullah. -Al-Fatihah.
The night and the following day was somber. I went back to Kampung and with the emptiness of my grandmother's presence, it felt a bit more downcast every moment. I was exhausted due to lack of sleep but I was out of sorts seeing my aunt covered in white cloth, watching her children crying and her husband lost and trying so hard to keep it all in.
I finally broke down when I called my mother back at my university. I felt extremely tired but there was this hole inside my heart. And I understand why it was there. I just miss my family so much. I went through the whole funeral processing without my parents. I am reminded of the distance of my family and I as my uncle hold my hand, as my cousin hugged her father, as my aunt's mother kissed her goodbye.
I cried. I couldn't take it anymore.
The next day, I was quiet. I was depressed. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to meet my classmates. But, I tried to dress prettily, just to exude something happy. I wasn't happy but I still say I am okay.
And I grew frustrated at every moment because the people around me are not doing what I expected them to be.
It was a mistake to expect anyone to do anything for you.
But, this thing, it had grew inside of me. I was full of longing, of wanting, people to do what I would have done for them. Because I was just so tired to be the martyr. I am so tired to be that oh-so positive girl, the one that always smile.
I knew I had been faking so much that it kills me already.
But, I kept in my silence and it grew worse.
I don't know what I wanted. I was so confused with myself. I wanted people's support but I am pushing them away. I wanted to be happy but I woke up feeling dejected.
What do I want really? An attention? Space?
My best friend got mad at me. I guess she's right. I wasn't being fair to the people around me. I am such a hypocrite. Why do I kept asking people to be happy and positive when I couldn't do it for myself?
What do I really want in my life?
I am so lost.
Ya Allah, help me.
After my counselling session, I wrote a series of WhatsApp status, explaining what had happened. And people just poured out there support. Had I been really that blind to see the people around me? Or I just don't trust them with my own feelings that I always kept inside?
It's not like people push me away when I say my problems, so why I feel so hesitant to talk about them? Am I that afraid to cry? Am I too bound to that title 'that positive, happy-go-lucky" girl? Am I too afraid of change?
I saw myself, looking out at a distance. I saw only bleak, black dark space, with thousands of eyes watching me. But, at a horizon, I saw trees and flowers and greenery. A place where I longed to be. I place where I could be confident of my own skin, my own feelings, my own self.
Don't I have a self-worth, my dear self? How much do I really hate myself? Am I ungrateful for what I have, for what I am? How long am I going to questioned my identity? How long will I be a coward of accepting myself?
Every day is a struggle of acceptance. Every day it's an effort to be happy of my own self. I knew I didn't need people's acceptance. I only needed my own.
There are people around me that are willing to listen to me. But, it was my own fault that I didn't accept their offer.
I always thought to myself that I wanted something more out of this life I am living in. And that something more is a confidence, the acceptance, of my own identity. To not feeling like shit when I looked at the mirror, at my grades, at anything. To not feeling like I wasn't worth it to live. To not feeling like I want to bury myself six feet underground. To not feeling like I do everything wrong for others and to myself.
These are my thoughts. My own thoughts. To share is a courage. To write it down is a relief to me.
I have to constantly remind myself that I am more than this. But, it's always a struggle. Always a struggle.
But, I have Him. And let this struggle be as sincere as it can be for Allah SWT.
It will always be hard. But, people have it harder. And it doesn't mean I am weak if Allah test me this way and not other harder ways. Allah loves me the way I am, He created the best of me and I will use to best of me for Him ultimately and also for myself.
I will not give up. I have more life to live.
I have strength inside myself.
I might be dead inside, but I will revive myself back.
If I don't have a life inside of me, how will I be an advocate for all the problems of the world?
For the people I love?
Let me, help me be an advocate to myself, Ya Allah.
And help me stop expecting others for something they can't do.
Help me accept myself and the people around me.
Help me stop being so frustrated with the world that I live in.
Help me be better.
Help me be more grateful.
Help me be strong, confident.
Ultimately, help me always find Your blessings, Ya Allah.
I will never give up.
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