Those deary days

I am sorry for the deary post. I just need to let it out. I need to write it somewhere.

Sometimes, on those days that come without giving me an email or a heads-up or a text, I feel discourage.

On those days, I will feel like I have little to no energy to do everyday task. Every mundane thing felt like a insurmountable chore. I feel like I am dragging myself to do work, to walk, to speak. My hobbies become dull and lifeless. I will stare at it, wondering why I like doing it in the first place. I feel so tired. I feel like laying down on the bed and stare at the ceiling. Sometimes, I fall asleep on the bed, dreaming ridiculous shit, and wake up, feeling more discourage. 

And I hate it.

I hate those days. I hate having that feeling in the first place. It come without remorse. It knock my schedule apart. It wake me into a zombie trance. It made me into a zombie. My brain can't process information easily and my walking pace is slow. And sometimes those days bring back my past.

And I know. I know my life is okay. I am lucky to live with what I have. But, it bring back my past mistakes and they were so small mistakes. And I thought will run through, shattering me, "You are so fucking worthless."

Shut up, brain. 

I am not.

On those days, I hope at every passing hour that I got my strength, the spirit of life, back. So, I could smile instead of frowning. So, I could be happy instead of being sad. So, I could find the joy of what I am doing. 

I want to be happy. 

But, there are days in my life that I feel like that. And I can't avoid it. I don't know how to avoid it. I just weathered through it and hope that I come back to those sunny days alive. Hurt, but alive. 

And I hope that I didn't hurt anyone in the process.

Swiftly Estel-ing